Saying no

I heard something on Christian radio today.  "When you say no to something, you say yes to something else".  They were talking about saying no to things that are not good for us and how giving those things up allow us to replace those things with positive stuff.  For example, saying no to smoking allows you to say yes to better health and have options for the money that is saved.  It just clicked in my mind as I started thinking of the things that I'm not saying yes to.  It's common sense really, but it touched me in the way that I heard it.   Saying no to my addictions allows me to say yes to having the Holy Spirit, yes to confidence before God, yes to the blessings that I forfeit from disobedience.  Life is too hard already without the companionship of the Holy Ghost.

To be humble enough

I've been putting off seeing the bishop.  But, I need to be humble enough to confess.  I made an appointment for Sunday.

Lord, I need You [Verse 1:] Lord I come, I confess Bowing here I find my rest Without You I fall apart You're the one that guides my heart [Chorus:] Lord, I need You, oh I need You Every hour I need You My one defense, my righteousness Oh God, how I need You [Verse 2:] Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more Where grace is found is where You are And where You are Lord I am free Holiness is Christ in me Yes where You are Lord I am free Holiness is Christ in me [Bridge:] So teach my song to rise to You When temptation comes my way And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You Jesus You're my hope and stay And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You Jesus You're my hope and stay

What to do?

"Scripture power, keeps me safe from sin.  Scripture power is the power to win.  Scripture power, every day I need, the power that I get each time I read."  I got really busy with school at the end of the semester.  I had been doing well with scripture study and then around that time, I stopped.  It's really just an excuse, being busy with school.  The problem is, I didn't start reading again.  I've also been going to the casino and gambling (not very often).  I go because I get bored.  Not good combinations because it drives away the spirit.  So, the temptations come.

Two weeks ago, I had a slip with masturbation.  Then again today.  I don't even know what to do.  I feel like I should feel worse.  It doesn't help that I don't like going to church.  I know the church is true, I just hate going.  This isn't recent and I've felt this way for awhile (even when I'm doing everything that I should and I feel the spirit-I still don't enjoy going to church on Sundays).  I just feel like my life has no direction.  I've been blessed in my life with educational and other opportunities.  I don't lack for my physical needs.  I'm healthy, I have a good job…I just feel like I have no direction.  It's not that I don't have goals for my life.

I have goals and I work towards them.  But in the end, I feel like I'm lacking in an area that I feel I have little control over…having an eternal family of my own.  I feel so frustrated.  I was going to talk to my bishop and I was willing to, but I felt that it was okay not to.  Now, I don't know.  I'm not sure how he can help me.  Even when I'm doing everything that I need to do, I still feel this frustration and I feel alone.  So, I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I know that I need to pray.  I know that I need to stay away from gambling as it's a huge trigger for me.  And I know that I need the power that the scriptures can offer.                

Covenants

I had to work on Saturday and I missed the General Women's meeting.  I was just listening to Sister Wixom's talk.  She spoke about how we are covenant making women.  "Keeping covenants protects us, prepares us, and empowers us".  I finished reading the Book of Mormon a couple of weeks ago.  It's the first time that I have read it through in a few years, it has been a blessing.  For scripture study now, I'm planning on studying topics for a while and I think that the topic of "covenants" will be next (any ideas on how others mix it up with scripture study are appreciated).  Sister Wixom paraphrased from Elder Hales Oct 2000 talk "The Covenant of Baptism" and how understanding the covenants that we made at baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost changes our lives and establishes our allegiance to God's kingdom.  She also stated, "When temptations come our way, if we will listen, the Holy Ghost will remind us that we have promised to remember our Savior and obey the commandments of God".

A couple of weeks ago, I asked Heavenly Father if maybe it was okay if I dated outside of the church.  It seems unfair at times to me.  Less than 2 percent of the population where I live is LDS.  Considering how much of that population is male and removing those who are married and taking into account appropriate age ranges and worthiness, finding someone seems statistically impossible.  I teach primary with a wonderful sister.  Since I only teach every other week, I had not been studying the lesson on the Sundays she teaches.  I had a feeling that I needed to review the lessons on those Sundays as well.  The lesson that she was covering was on Isaac and Rebekah and marriage in the covenant (temple marriage).  As I read, I felt confirmation that the principles in the lesson were true and that those principles still apply to me and that the question I had asked that same week was answered.  I don't know, the answer may be different for others.  But, the answer that I received for me is undeniable to me.  I am not to date nonmembers.  So, as a single sister in my mid thirties who has not been on a date in years-I will wait.  Prince charming, where are you?  All I can do is live the gospel and hope for the blessings of a temple marriage.  If they never come, I need to trust the Lord.      

"Write Your Story"

While I was driving today, I heard the song "Write your story" by Francesca Battistelli on the radio.  Although I had heard it before, I had not payed close attention to the lyrics:

                        "Write Your Story"

They say
You're the King of everything
The One who taught the wind to sing
The Source of the rhythm my heart keeps beating

They say
You can give the blind their sight
And You can bring the dead to life
You can be the hope my soul's been seekin'

I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I do, that You can make me new, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won't You write Your story on my heart

My life
I know it's never really been mine
So do with it whatever You like
I don't know what Your plan is
But I know it's good, yeah

I wanna tell You now that I believe in
I wanna tell You now that I believe in
In You, so do what You do, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won't You write Your story on my heart

I want my history
To be Your legacy
Go ahead and show this world
What You've done in me
And when the music fades
I want my life to say

I let You write Your story, write Your story
Write Your story, write Your story

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won't You write Your story on my heart
[x2]

When I was reading from the Book of Mormon tonight, I read this (1 Nephi 9:5-6):

 5 Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a ^awise purpose in him, which purpose I know not.

 6 But the Lord ^aknoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all ^bpower unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

The Lord knows all things from the beginning.  Even when I don't understand, He understands.  I especially like the part that says that He has the power to fulfill ALL of His words.  I have made covenants with Him, but I've been the one that brakes my promises.  He never has.  My life really isn't mine.  It's the Saviors.  He paid the price for me.  I need to be an open book and let Him write in my pages and like the song says, "I don't know what your plan is, but I know it's good".  

205 Days Sober

I don't want to fall again.  I had a spurt of a year and a half a couple years ago, and the longest spurt of being sober was for 10 years.  If I could fall after 10 years, after a year and a half, I could fall now.  I've had some days when I was tempted.  I made it through.  I've been feeling alone lately.  I don't fit in at church.  I hate sitting alone.  I'm not sure how to relate to those around me.  I don't always fit in at work.  No, I fit in at work.  It's the "hanging out" with coworkers when not at work.  That's where I don't fit in.  I'm Mormon, I'm different.  I can't do social stuff because I want to live the gospel.  But, I don't fit in at church either.  So frustrating.  Last Sunday, I just hoped someone would come talk to me.  I know I need to make an effort as well.  I need to try to be a friend.  I've been doing my visiting teaching.  But, I haven't been visit taught in almost 2 years.  I wish someone would ask me how I'm doing with my scripture reading, with my personal prayers.   I was doing great at reading the scriptures (I need to be more diligent).  I have read about the importance of dailies in staying sober.  But, I wish I had someone else to be accountable to other than myself and the Lord.  If you home teach or visit teach, ask.  The gospel is true, I guess that's all that really matters.  Good things have happened too.  I was able to return to the temple.  I made progress in family history.  I've been better at gospel study then I had in years.  I have more confidence in approaching Heavenly Father.  One day at a time I guess.

30 days sober from places I should not have gone

I'm 30 days sober today and I'm still reading the scriptures.  I read Elder Hollands 1988 talk "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments" last night because I had seen something about it posted on another recovery blog.  I didn't necessarily learn anything new, but it was a good reminder of "the why".  I did like this quote from the end of the talk:

"In the more ecclesiastical words of James E. Talmage: It has been declared in the solemn word of revelation, that the spirit and the body constitute the soul of man; and, therefore, we should look upon this body as something that shall endure in the resurrected state, beyond the grave, something to be kept pure and holy. Be not afraid of soiling its hands; be not afraid of scars that may come to it if won in earnest effort, or [won] in honest fight, but beware of scars that disfigure, that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone, that have befallen you in unworthy undertakings [pursued where you ought not have been]; beware of the wounds of battles in which you have been fighting on the wrong side. (Conference Report, Oct. 1913, p. 117)
If some few of you are feeling the scars that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone, I wish to extend to you the special peace and promise available through the atoning sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ. I testify of his love and of the restored gospel principles and ordinances which make that love available to us with all their cleansing and healing power."  

I don't know what life will bring for me.  I had figured that I would be married and have children by this time in my life.  I wonder if I may have forfeited blessings through my disobedience that I may or may not be able to claim.  Right now, I know that I need to focus on recovery.  But, I do know that I don't want to be fighting on the wrong side anymore.