What to do?

"Scripture power, keeps me safe from sin.  Scripture power is the power to win.  Scripture power, every day I need, the power that I get each time I read."  I got really busy with school at the end of the semester.  I had been doing well with scripture study and then around that time, I stopped.  It's really just an excuse, being busy with school.  The problem is, I didn't start reading again.  I've also been going to the casino and gambling (not very often).  I go because I get bored.  Not good combinations because it drives away the spirit.  So, the temptations come.

Two weeks ago, I had a slip with masturbation.  Then again today.  I don't even know what to do.  I feel like I should feel worse.  It doesn't help that I don't like going to church.  I know the church is true, I just hate going.  This isn't recent and I've felt this way for awhile (even when I'm doing everything that I should and I feel the spirit-I still don't enjoy going to church on Sundays).  I just feel like my life has no direction.  I've been blessed in my life with educational and other opportunities.  I don't lack for my physical needs.  I'm healthy, I have a good job…I just feel like I have no direction.  It's not that I don't have goals for my life.

I have goals and I work towards them.  But in the end, I feel like I'm lacking in an area that I feel I have little control over…having an eternal family of my own.  I feel so frustrated.  I was going to talk to my bishop and I was willing to, but I felt that it was okay not to.  Now, I don't know.  I'm not sure how he can help me.  Even when I'm doing everything that I need to do, I still feel this frustration and I feel alone.  So, I'm trying to figure out what to do.  I know that I need to pray.  I know that I need to stay away from gambling as it's a huge trigger for me.  And I know that I need the power that the scriptures can offer.                

Covenants

I had to work on Saturday and I missed the General Women's meeting.  I was just listening to Sister Wixom's talk.  She spoke about how we are covenant making women.  "Keeping covenants protects us, prepares us, and empowers us".  I finished reading the Book of Mormon a couple of weeks ago.  It's the first time that I have read it through in a few years, it has been a blessing.  For scripture study now, I'm planning on studying topics for a while and I think that the topic of "covenants" will be next (any ideas on how others mix it up with scripture study are appreciated).  Sister Wixom paraphrased from Elder Hales Oct 2000 talk "The Covenant of Baptism" and how understanding the covenants that we made at baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost changes our lives and establishes our allegiance to God's kingdom.  She also stated, "When temptations come our way, if we will listen, the Holy Ghost will remind us that we have promised to remember our Savior and obey the commandments of God".

A couple of weeks ago, I asked Heavenly Father if maybe it was okay if I dated outside of the church.  It seems unfair at times to me.  Less than 2 percent of the population where I live is LDS.  Considering how much of that population is male and removing those who are married and taking into account appropriate age ranges and worthiness, finding someone seems statistically impossible.  I teach primary with a wonderful sister.  Since I only teach every other week, I had not been studying the lesson on the Sundays she teaches.  I had a feeling that I needed to review the lessons on those Sundays as well.  The lesson that she was covering was on Isaac and Rebekah and marriage in the covenant (temple marriage).  As I read, I felt confirmation that the principles in the lesson were true and that those principles still apply to me and that the question I had asked that same week was answered.  I don't know, the answer may be different for others.  But, the answer that I received for me is undeniable to me.  I am not to date nonmembers.  So, as a single sister in my mid thirties who has not been on a date in years-I will wait.  Prince charming, where are you?  All I can do is live the gospel and hope for the blessings of a temple marriage.  If they never come, I need to trust the Lord.      

"Write Your Story"

While I was driving today, I heard the song "Write your story" by Francesca Battistelli on the radio.  Although I had heard it before, I had not payed close attention to the lyrics:

                        "Write Your Story"

They say
You're the King of everything
The One who taught the wind to sing
The Source of the rhythm my heart keeps beating

They say
You can give the blind their sight
And You can bring the dead to life
You can be the hope my soul's been seekin'

I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I wanna tell You now that I believe it
I do, that You can make me new, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won't You write Your story on my heart

My life
I know it's never really been mine
So do with it whatever You like
I don't know what Your plan is
But I know it's good, yeah

I wanna tell You now that I believe in
I wanna tell You now that I believe in
In You, so do what You do, oh

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won't You write Your story on my heart

I want my history
To be Your legacy
Go ahead and show this world
What You've done in me
And when the music fades
I want my life to say

I let You write Your story, write Your story
Write Your story, write Your story

I'm an empty page
I'm an open book
Write Your story on my heart
Come on and make Your mark

Author of my hope
Maker of the stars
Let me be Your work of art
Won't You write Your story on my heart

Write Your story, write Your story
Come on and write Your story, write Your story
Won't You write Your story on my heart
[x2]

When I was reading from the Book of Mormon tonight, I read this (1 Nephi 9:5-6):

 5 Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a ^awise purpose in him, which purpose I know not.

 6 But the Lord ^aknoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all ^bpower unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

The Lord knows all things from the beginning.  Even when I don't understand, He understands.  I especially like the part that says that He has the power to fulfill ALL of His words.  I have made covenants with Him, but I've been the one that brakes my promises.  He never has.  My life really isn't mine.  It's the Saviors.  He paid the price for me.  I need to be an open book and let Him write in my pages and like the song says, "I don't know what your plan is, but I know it's good".  

205 Days Sober

I don't want to fall again.  I had a spurt of a year and a half a couple years ago, and the longest spurt of being sober was for 10 years.  If I could fall after 10 years, after a year and a half, I could fall now.  I've had some days when I was tempted.  I made it through.  I've been feeling alone lately.  I don't fit in at church.  I hate sitting alone.  I'm not sure how to relate to those around me.  I don't always fit in at work.  No, I fit in at work.  It's the "hanging out" with coworkers when not at work.  That's where I don't fit in.  I'm Mormon, I'm different.  I can't do social stuff because I want to live the gospel.  But, I don't fit in at church either.  So frustrating.  Last Sunday, I just hoped someone would come talk to me.  I know I need to make an effort as well.  I need to try to be a friend.  I've been doing my visiting teaching.  But, I haven't been visit taught in almost 2 years.  I wish someone would ask me how I'm doing with my scripture reading, with my personal prayers.   I was doing great at reading the scriptures (I need to be more diligent).  I have read about the importance of dailies in staying sober.  But, I wish I had someone else to be accountable to other than myself and the Lord.  If you home teach or visit teach, ask.  The gospel is true, I guess that's all that really matters.  Good things have happened too.  I was able to return to the temple.  I made progress in family history.  I've been better at gospel study then I had in years.  I have more confidence in approaching Heavenly Father.  One day at a time I guess.

30 days sober from places I should not have gone

I'm 30 days sober today and I'm still reading the scriptures.  I read Elder Hollands 1988 talk "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments" last night because I had seen something about it posted on another recovery blog.  I didn't necessarily learn anything new, but it was a good reminder of "the why".  I did like this quote from the end of the talk:

"In the more ecclesiastical words of James E. Talmage: It has been declared in the solemn word of revelation, that the spirit and the body constitute the soul of man; and, therefore, we should look upon this body as something that shall endure in the resurrected state, beyond the grave, something to be kept pure and holy. Be not afraid of soiling its hands; be not afraid of scars that may come to it if won in earnest effort, or [won] in honest fight, but beware of scars that disfigure, that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone, that have befallen you in unworthy undertakings [pursued where you ought not have been]; beware of the wounds of battles in which you have been fighting on the wrong side. (Conference Report, Oct. 1913, p. 117)
If some few of you are feeling the scars that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone, I wish to extend to you the special peace and promise available through the atoning sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ. I testify of his love and of the restored gospel principles and ordinances which make that love available to us with all their cleansing and healing power."  

I don't know what life will bring for me.  I had figured that I would be married and have children by this time in my life.  I wonder if I may have forfeited blessings through my disobedience that I may or may not be able to claim.  Right now, I know that I need to focus on recovery.  But, I do know that I don't want to be fighting on the wrong side anymore.

Meeting with the Bishop

In the last few weeks, my sins have been weighing heavily on my mind.  I've known that I needed to speak to my Bishop for a long time.  There was a point where I felt that would never happen and I was pretty set on it.  I'm thankful for the posts that encouraged me to follow through on this step.  I resolved this week to do it.  But, I also told myself that I would do it when I was ready, not yet.  Then, I decided that I just needed to make an appointment.  So, today I asked someone to point me to the executive secretary so that I could make an appointment.  I figured that I could make one a week or two out and that would give me some time to work up the courage for it.  Well, he said he had an opening today.  I took it as a tender mercy and took the appointment.  I could not focus the rest of church, but I got home and prayed for peace and to not be left alone so that I could follow through.  I read my patriarchal blessing, reread the encouraging posts here, and read from the Book of Mormon.  
 
I had started a letter to give to my Bishop, but I decided that I just needed to come out and say it (whatever came out and however it came out).  I did rehearse in my mind the key points of what I wanted to say and I prayed that during our meeting, the the Bishop would know what to say and what to ask.  I had hoped that I didn't have to be the one to pray when I went in, but that ended up happening.  It was short; I asked that the spirit would be there.
 
I told the Bishop that I had been praying for the courage to speak to him and then I told him about my struggles.  I had decided that I would talk briefly about my experiences in the past and about when I had met with my Bishop years ago.  I mentioned how often I struggled and when the last time I struggled was.  From reading other experiences and blogs, I knew he would ask these things and so I felt that it would just be easier to spill it all out.  He did ask about what things seemed to be triggers and I have been thinking about this and so I was able to answer.  I think I said most of what I wanted to say even though I feel like stumbled through it.
  
 I don't know what reaction I expected.  I think for a long time I was also worried about the repercussions as well, but the words from the hymn "As Now We Take the Sacrament" came into my mind while I drove to church, “for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey".  As far as my Bishop’s reaction, he cried and told me that I was loved and that I was important.  We talked about a lot of different things.  I will be meeting with him routinely and I’m not going to be released from my calling at this time.  He asked if I had a current temple recommend and since it expired recently, I don’t.  But I did tell him that I had not been going to the temple this past year and a half since I started struggling.  I’m sure that I would have had to turn it in if it had been current because it’s something that my previous Bishop had asked me to do.  I wanted to talk about returning to the temple, but I have things to work on and I’ll be meeting with him often and so there will be more time to discuss this in the future. 
 
He encouraged me to keep using the ARP manual, but said that at this point he feels that I should not go to the meetings that are held at our stake, he feels that the focus of the meeting they have there would not be good for me and that it may not be appropriate (he has been involved in helping members with these things and so I’ll trust that my Bishop is inspired with this).  I don’t think I would have gone because they do not have an all female group, which I would be willing to go to.  I know he is concerned that I don't have any LDS friends and that I have no idea who my visiting teachers (VTs) are.  Unfortunately, I don’t know many people in my ward.  He wants me to have someone I can call when I’m tempted and that I can go to.  He said I could call him anytime.  I'm not sure how helpful VTs are; I'm not as concerned to not have them coming because as a single adult in my 30s without children, I find it hard to relate to many of the sisters.  I’m sure I could relate, but I would need to put forth effort in these things as well.  He said he would talk to the RS president to make sure that they start visiting me because I need some strong sisters around.  That’s okay; I have no problem with that. 
 
He gave me a blessing before I left.  I tried to write down some of the things that he said in the blessing that I remember so that I can ponder on those things later.  I also wrote down the scriptures that he shared.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.  I know that this is one of many steps and I'm worried about repercussions from the enemy because I know that this is a step he is not happy that I took.  I'm going to have to keep up with my prayers and scripture study.  I can see how the fear and the anxiety on speaking to priesthood leaders do not come from the Lord!  I'm thankful for the love that I felt from my Bishop, for the counsel, and the priesthood blessing.  I'm also thankful that I have someone else to be accountable to (other than myself and the Lord) because I now have someone that is going to ask me about how I'm doing with my struggles and with my prayers and scripture study.
 
I don't have the words to fully explain what I am feeling and about my experience.  I walked out of that door different than when I went in.  I was able to trust someone with something that I have kept to myself.  But most importantly I was able to take a step that I had been dreading and resistant to for years, a step that helped me cast my burden upon the Lord.  I need the Savior to help me carry this because I haven’t been able to get very far on my own.  What helped me to do this?  I’m still trying to figure all of this out because the resistance inside of me has been incredibly strong.  But, I know that it has to do with the replies to some things that I posted on some LDS recovery blogs, the posts from some of the blogs that I’ve read from other LDS members, starting to read the scriptures, reading from the ARP manual, and praying for courage.  Regardless, I’m thankful that I did it.   

A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit

"When we sin and desire forgiveness, a broken heart and a contrite spirit mean to experience “godly sorrow [that] worketh repentance” (2 Corinthians 7:10). This comes when our desire to be cleansed from sin is so consuming that our hearts ache with sorrow and we yearn to feel at peace with our Father in Heaven. Those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them, without resistance or resentment. We cease doing things our way and learn to do them God’s way instead. In such a condition of submissiveness, the Atonement can take effect and true repentance can occur. The penitent will then experience the sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost, which will fill them with peace of conscience and the joy of reconciliation with God. In a wondrous union of divine attributes, the same God who teaches us to walk with a broken heart invites us to rejoice and to be of good cheer." Elder Porter October, 2007