Meeting with the Bishop

In the last few weeks, my sins have been weighing heavily on my mind.  I've known that I needed to speak to my Bishop for a long time.  There was a point where I felt that would never happen and I was pretty set on it.  I'm thankful for the posts that encouraged me to follow through on this step.  I resolved this week to do it.  But, I also told myself that I would do it when I was ready, not yet.  Then, I decided that I just needed to make an appointment.  So, today I asked someone to point me to the executive secretary so that I could make an appointment.  I figured that I could make one a week or two out and that would give me some time to work up the courage for it.  Well, he said he had an opening today.  I took it as a tender mercy and took the appointment.  I could not focus the rest of church, but I got home and prayed for peace and to not be left alone so that I could follow through.  I read my patriarchal blessing, reread the encouraging posts here, and read from the Book of Mormon.  
 
I had started a letter to give to my Bishop, but I decided that I just needed to come out and say it (whatever came out and however it came out).  I did rehearse in my mind the key points of what I wanted to say and I prayed that during our meeting, the the Bishop would know what to say and what to ask.  I had hoped that I didn't have to be the one to pray when I went in, but that ended up happening.  It was short; I asked that the spirit would be there.
 
I told the Bishop that I had been praying for the courage to speak to him and then I told him about my struggles.  I had decided that I would talk briefly about my experiences in the past and about when I had met with my Bishop years ago.  I mentioned how often I struggled and when the last time I struggled was.  From reading other experiences and blogs, I knew he would ask these things and so I felt that it would just be easier to spill it all out.  He did ask about what things seemed to be triggers and I have been thinking about this and so I was able to answer.  I think I said most of what I wanted to say even though I feel like stumbled through it.
  
 I don't know what reaction I expected.  I think for a long time I was also worried about the repercussions as well, but the words from the hymn "As Now We Take the Sacrament" came into my mind while I drove to church, “for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey".  As far as my Bishop’s reaction, he cried and told me that I was loved and that I was important.  We talked about a lot of different things.  I will be meeting with him routinely and I’m not going to be released from my calling at this time.  He asked if I had a current temple recommend and since it expired recently, I don’t.  But I did tell him that I had not been going to the temple this past year and a half since I started struggling.  I’m sure that I would have had to turn it in if it had been current because it’s something that my previous Bishop had asked me to do.  I wanted to talk about returning to the temple, but I have things to work on and I’ll be meeting with him often and so there will be more time to discuss this in the future. 
 
He encouraged me to keep using the ARP manual, but said that at this point he feels that I should not go to the meetings that are held at our stake, he feels that the focus of the meeting they have there would not be good for me and that it may not be appropriate (he has been involved in helping members with these things and so I’ll trust that my Bishop is inspired with this).  I don’t think I would have gone because they do not have an all female group, which I would be willing to go to.  I know he is concerned that I don't have any LDS friends and that I have no idea who my visiting teachers (VTs) are.  Unfortunately, I don’t know many people in my ward.  He wants me to have someone I can call when I’m tempted and that I can go to.  He said I could call him anytime.  I'm not sure how helpful VTs are; I'm not as concerned to not have them coming because as a single adult in my 30s without children, I find it hard to relate to many of the sisters.  I’m sure I could relate, but I would need to put forth effort in these things as well.  He said he would talk to the RS president to make sure that they start visiting me because I need some strong sisters around.  That’s okay; I have no problem with that. 
 
He gave me a blessing before I left.  I tried to write down some of the things that he said in the blessing that I remember so that I can ponder on those things later.  I also wrote down the scriptures that he shared.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.  I know that this is one of many steps and I'm worried about repercussions from the enemy because I know that this is a step he is not happy that I took.  I'm going to have to keep up with my prayers and scripture study.  I can see how the fear and the anxiety on speaking to priesthood leaders do not come from the Lord!  I'm thankful for the love that I felt from my Bishop, for the counsel, and the priesthood blessing.  I'm also thankful that I have someone else to be accountable to (other than myself and the Lord) because I now have someone that is going to ask me about how I'm doing with my struggles and with my prayers and scripture study.
 
I don't have the words to fully explain what I am feeling and about my experience.  I walked out of that door different than when I went in.  I was able to trust someone with something that I have kept to myself.  But most importantly I was able to take a step that I had been dreading and resistant to for years, a step that helped me cast my burden upon the Lord.  I need the Savior to help me carry this because I haven’t been able to get very far on my own.  What helped me to do this?  I’m still trying to figure all of this out because the resistance inside of me has been incredibly strong.  But, I know that it has to do with the replies to some things that I posted on some LDS recovery blogs, the posts from some of the blogs that I’ve read from other LDS members, starting to read the scriptures, reading from the ARP manual, and praying for courage.  Regardless, I’m thankful that I did it.   

A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit

"When we sin and desire forgiveness, a broken heart and a contrite spirit mean to experience “godly sorrow [that] worketh repentance” (2 Corinthians 7:10). This comes when our desire to be cleansed from sin is so consuming that our hearts ache with sorrow and we yearn to feel at peace with our Father in Heaven. Those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything that God asks of them, without resistance or resentment. We cease doing things our way and learn to do them God’s way instead. In such a condition of submissiveness, the Atonement can take effect and true repentance can occur. The penitent will then experience the sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost, which will fill them with peace of conscience and the joy of reconciliation with God. In a wondrous union of divine attributes, the same God who teaches us to walk with a broken heart invites us to rejoice and to be of good cheer." Elder Porter October, 2007

My Struggle

I'm a single female in my 30s.  I have been a member of the LDS church my whole life.  I am still a virgin. I'm waiting until I get married (if that ever happens).  But, I struggle with masturbation.  I think that I started masturbating in middle school (about 7th grade), although I don't think that I could put a name to it. I'm sure that I knew it wasn't right, but I don't think that I fully understood at the time. By high school, I certainly knew it was not right and I felt a lot of guilt over it. Finding it difficult to stop, and very embarrassing to discuss. I felt like I was alone in this and that I was the only one going through this trial.

I decided to serve a mission and I was able to stop for a year before my mission (with one relapse). I never discussed this with anyone. I felt incredible shame and guilt in the MTC, but once I was in the field, it went away. Towards the end of my mission, I had another relapse. This again brought on incredible guilt and shame. I worried that if I told my mission president, he would send me home early and I only had a few months left. When I came home and after quite some struggle, I went to see my Bishop. He told me that the worst of what I had done were the lies that I had told (when you are asked in a temple interview if you have any sins for which you have not resolved). He gave me a blessing in which I was cautioned to not watch rated R movies and to attend the temple often. For the first time, I felt so free. This was in 2001.

In June of 2009, the temptations started to return and I gave in.  I was not praying, reading the scriptures, I had started gambling, and I justified my actions because of incorrect doctrine that I read on other LDS blogs.  I used what I had read to convince myself that it was not wrong and for the next 6 months, I was trapped again.  I was finally able to over come for a year and a half, but I fell again. 

I have found that I am weakest when I'm tired, bored, stressed, or when I take naps in the afternoon.  I keep falling because I need to follow all of the steps to repentance.  My desire is to fully live the law of chastity, regardless if I never marry.  I feel that there are blessings that I am missing out on in my life and because the adversary knows this, he has been using this temptation to hold me back from being the daughter of God that I am.  Because reading the blogs of other LDS members who also struggle with the law of chastity have helped me, I have decided to use this blog as a journal as I work on recovery and seeking remission of my sins.