My Struggle

I'm a single female in my 30s.  I have been a member of the LDS church my whole life.  I am still a virgin. I'm waiting until I get married (if that ever happens).  But, I struggle with masturbation.  I think that I started masturbating in middle school (about 7th grade), although I don't think that I could put a name to it. I'm sure that I knew it wasn't right, but I don't think that I fully understood at the time. By high school, I certainly knew it was not right and I felt a lot of guilt over it. Finding it difficult to stop, and very embarrassing to discuss. I felt like I was alone in this and that I was the only one going through this trial.

I decided to serve a mission and I was able to stop for a year before my mission (with one relapse). I never discussed this with anyone. I felt incredible shame and guilt in the MTC, but once I was in the field, it went away. Towards the end of my mission, I had another relapse. This again brought on incredible guilt and shame. I worried that if I told my mission president, he would send me home early and I only had a few months left. When I came home and after quite some struggle, I went to see my Bishop. He told me that the worst of what I had done were the lies that I had told (when you are asked in a temple interview if you have any sins for which you have not resolved). He gave me a blessing in which I was cautioned to not watch rated R movies and to attend the temple often. For the first time, I felt so free. This was in 2001.

In June of 2009, the temptations started to return and I gave in.  I was not praying, reading the scriptures, I had started gambling, and I justified my actions because of incorrect doctrine that I read on other LDS blogs.  I used what I had read to convince myself that it was not wrong and for the next 6 months, I was trapped again.  I was finally able to over come for a year and a half, but I fell again. 

I have found that I am weakest when I'm tired, bored, stressed, or when I take naps in the afternoon.  I keep falling because I need to follow all of the steps to repentance.  My desire is to fully live the law of chastity, regardless if I never marry.  I feel that there are blessings that I am missing out on in my life and because the adversary knows this, he has been using this temptation to hold me back from being the daughter of God that I am.  Because reading the blogs of other LDS members who also struggle with the law of chastity have helped me, I have decided to use this blog as a journal as I work on recovery and seeking remission of my sins.