Meeting with the Bishop

In the last few weeks, my sins have been weighing heavily on my mind.  I've known that I needed to speak to my Bishop for a long time.  There was a point where I felt that would never happen and I was pretty set on it.  I'm thankful for the posts that encouraged me to follow through on this step.  I resolved this week to do it.  But, I also told myself that I would do it when I was ready, not yet.  Then, I decided that I just needed to make an appointment.  So, today I asked someone to point me to the executive secretary so that I could make an appointment.  I figured that I could make one a week or two out and that would give me some time to work up the courage for it.  Well, he said he had an opening today.  I took it as a tender mercy and took the appointment.  I could not focus the rest of church, but I got home and prayed for peace and to not be left alone so that I could follow through.  I read my patriarchal blessing, reread the encouraging posts here, and read from the Book of Mormon.  
 
I had started a letter to give to my Bishop, but I decided that I just needed to come out and say it (whatever came out and however it came out).  I did rehearse in my mind the key points of what I wanted to say and I prayed that during our meeting, the the Bishop would know what to say and what to ask.  I had hoped that I didn't have to be the one to pray when I went in, but that ended up happening.  It was short; I asked that the spirit would be there.
 
I told the Bishop that I had been praying for the courage to speak to him and then I told him about my struggles.  I had decided that I would talk briefly about my experiences in the past and about when I had met with my Bishop years ago.  I mentioned how often I struggled and when the last time I struggled was.  From reading other experiences and blogs, I knew he would ask these things and so I felt that it would just be easier to spill it all out.  He did ask about what things seemed to be triggers and I have been thinking about this and so I was able to answer.  I think I said most of what I wanted to say even though I feel like stumbled through it.
  
 I don't know what reaction I expected.  I think for a long time I was also worried about the repercussions as well, but the words from the hymn "As Now We Take the Sacrament" came into my mind while I drove to church, “for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey".  As far as my Bishop’s reaction, he cried and told me that I was loved and that I was important.  We talked about a lot of different things.  I will be meeting with him routinely and I’m not going to be released from my calling at this time.  He asked if I had a current temple recommend and since it expired recently, I don’t.  But I did tell him that I had not been going to the temple this past year and a half since I started struggling.  I’m sure that I would have had to turn it in if it had been current because it’s something that my previous Bishop had asked me to do.  I wanted to talk about returning to the temple, but I have things to work on and I’ll be meeting with him often and so there will be more time to discuss this in the future. 
 
He encouraged me to keep using the ARP manual, but said that at this point he feels that I should not go to the meetings that are held at our stake, he feels that the focus of the meeting they have there would not be good for me and that it may not be appropriate (he has been involved in helping members with these things and so I’ll trust that my Bishop is inspired with this).  I don’t think I would have gone because they do not have an all female group, which I would be willing to go to.  I know he is concerned that I don't have any LDS friends and that I have no idea who my visiting teachers (VTs) are.  Unfortunately, I don’t know many people in my ward.  He wants me to have someone I can call when I’m tempted and that I can go to.  He said I could call him anytime.  I'm not sure how helpful VTs are; I'm not as concerned to not have them coming because as a single adult in my 30s without children, I find it hard to relate to many of the sisters.  I’m sure I could relate, but I would need to put forth effort in these things as well.  He said he would talk to the RS president to make sure that they start visiting me because I need some strong sisters around.  That’s okay; I have no problem with that. 
 
He gave me a blessing before I left.  I tried to write down some of the things that he said in the blessing that I remember so that I can ponder on those things later.  I also wrote down the scriptures that he shared.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.  I know that this is one of many steps and I'm worried about repercussions from the enemy because I know that this is a step he is not happy that I took.  I'm going to have to keep up with my prayers and scripture study.  I can see how the fear and the anxiety on speaking to priesthood leaders do not come from the Lord!  I'm thankful for the love that I felt from my Bishop, for the counsel, and the priesthood blessing.  I'm also thankful that I have someone else to be accountable to (other than myself and the Lord) because I now have someone that is going to ask me about how I'm doing with my struggles and with my prayers and scripture study.
 
I don't have the words to fully explain what I am feeling and about my experience.  I walked out of that door different than when I went in.  I was able to trust someone with something that I have kept to myself.  But most importantly I was able to take a step that I had been dreading and resistant to for years, a step that helped me cast my burden upon the Lord.  I need the Savior to help me carry this because I haven’t been able to get very far on my own.  What helped me to do this?  I’m still trying to figure all of this out because the resistance inside of me has been incredibly strong.  But, I know that it has to do with the replies to some things that I posted on some LDS recovery blogs, the posts from some of the blogs that I’ve read from other LDS members, starting to read the scriptures, reading from the ARP manual, and praying for courage.  Regardless, I’m thankful that I did it.